Revalations

I understand what this Blog was supposed to be but I would like to take you down a different road for a bit. I would have been just as content writing these words on a WORD document and letting it sit on my hard drive never to be read. The thing is apparently I don't own any of the programs on this computer.

I took off from work a few hours early for a man to come in and stain our fence. I stopped off at McDonald's and ordered a Big Mac and Fries and a large Diet Coke. I came home waiting for a woman that Natalie said would be coming in around Noon 30 or so. I calmly ate my lunch and decided that I would not watch TV. This is laughable because I jumped online and checked HULU.com and realized the ironic nature of my decision. None-the-less I was looking at the fact that they had movies and saw the movie "SUPER SIZE IT" and decided "what the hell."

By the time I got into the movie Natalie called and said that she needed to go to Jessica's for a favor and would be home a bit later than expected. Something about a draft table. This was 30 minutes into the movie and I realized that I started to get a numb feeling in my stomach. And sure enough my Assistant Calls me telling me that I have to staff a whole new property in 2 weeks. I take care of the issue but trying to stay positive. I called my boss and was cut off and basically told "I know you can do it." These were not his words but I have to reinforce positivity in my own life, even if it is an optimistic way of looking at the world.

The conversation ended and I returned to the movie. I begin to get frustrated and agitated at the fact that the guy who is supposed to be here to stain the fence is no where to be found. I cant tell you how much being late erks me! I am into the movie approximately an hour now and I start feeling depressed and anxiety ridden and have no idea why. I literally go outside stand in the middle of the street and stare aimlessly at an American Flag that stands so proudly at the fore front of our housing development. I pop back to reality and come back into the house to finish the movie. I begin to wonder if the revelations of the movie are making my mind think that my Big Mac actually made me depressed or is it "one of those days."

Two hours later and my stain guy is here. He starts his work and I follow him wanting to know every little thing but my nature being so non-intrusive I stay far enough away that he doesn't feel cramped. After about an hour I realize that I am following this guy around and am doing nothing and its basically a one man job. I return to my living room and turn the tv on. I see a news report about an airplane that crashed into an IRS building in Austin Texas. I wonder if its terroristic and the news reporter quickly says that its not and that the male burnt his house down before he flew his plane into the building. All I could think is why.

A sick curiosity entered my head and wondered if I could find the guy online. The tv news man says that his name is Joe Stack. I immediately look his name up and his website says closed down due to sensitive nature. I go to www.smokinggun.com and find his six page manifesto and start reading. After about 15 minutes I finish reading and realize that the numbness in my stomach is worse and all I keep thinking is why....almost like a depression feeling that starts to wash over me. I'm not sure what the issue is but I decide to take a walk outside and find that after 2 hours of non-stop spraying the guys is done staining the fence.

I walk around the whole yard and even the few lots that surround my house as though I am looking for something. I realize that it all looks good and I return to find this man sweating so profusely that his shirt is literally dripping on the sidewalk. I say "looks good," he says "yeah alot of work," I say "one of those days huh," to which he replies "you have no idea." I have no clue why I said this but I said "yeah I understand," and he looks at me with this look of pure exhaustion and says "no, you have no idea." All I can think is what happened, is he okay, can I help, should I ask, and is it any of my business?

I literally walk back inside and have to get my breathe because I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. I don't know if its the pressure of work or the fact that I think things through way to much. I return and hand him the check while thanking him for his job well done. It was at this time that I wanted to look back at him one last time...I shake his hand and look right into his eyes and like a million other men whatever was there before when he made the comment "you have no idea" has been buried so that he can accept payment for his day of work.

I walk back into the house and open the back door and see how amazing my fence looks. I start thinking about all that happened today and what I am faced with tomorrow. Its as though I am underwater trying to get a grip to stop from slipping down stream and cant find anything to grab. My mind is firing off a million thoughts like:

Is Natalie okay, and why hasn't she called?
Should I try to get gastric bypass surgery?
Can we afford it?
I need a vacation.
I have no time for vacation.
I hope I don't loose my job.
Am I doing a good job?
Does my team still believe in me?
Do I believe in myself?
Does my boss believe in me?


All within second of each other. Natalie calls at around 7:45pm and I do my best to sound as though nothing is wrong. She hears my voice and I ask to have Subway instead of McDonald's in fear that it might just push me down that much further.